Aftermath
by Brandywine421
Summary: Rating for language. Follows the Girlfriend.
1. Default Chapter

**__**

This is immediately following the episode "The Girlfriend". 

Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to "The O.C." or its characters or the actors that get paid by them. 

"Ryan? I didn't see you at the party…" Seth steps into the pool house after all the guests are filing out of the Cohen house. "Ryan?"

"I guess living in a pool house surrounded by windows means that people don't have to knock," Ryan mutters, lying facedown on his bed.

"What's up? Where were you all night?" Seth asks, entering anyway.

"It's been a long night, Seth. Can we talk about it in the morning?" Ryan asks, not moving. The pillow under his face muffles his words. 

"But I have news!" Seth pouts.

"I'm listening," Ryan replies, after a long pause.

"Will you sit up and act like you care?" Seth retorts, sarcastically.

Ryan sits up and focuses his attention on Seth.

"What's up with you, man? Did something happen?"

"It's cool, Seth. What happened with Summer?" Ryan questions, keeping his face expressionless.

"How do you know it has something to do with Summer?"

"Because of that barely composed elation on your face. It has to be Summer-related to make you look like that. Did you guys hit it off?" Ryan asks.

"Hit it off we did. Sort of. She kissed me…"

"She kissed you," Ryan states.

"Yeah. She kissed me and it was…unbelievable, Ryan…" Seth drifts into a lively narrative of the night's events from his perspective. 

Ryan tries to focus on his friend's joy, but his mind keeps drifting to the incredibly stupid mistake that he made with Seth's grandfather's girlfriend and Marissa.

"_I'm bored…" Gabrielle had said._

"So I've heard," Ryan replied.

He thought Marissa was back with Luke. She came with him to the party. What was he supposed to think? Marissa and Luke came to the party together, looking happy. Gabrielle, ignoring the fact that she was with Kirsten's father, had offered herself to Ryan. Seducing him. She tried to seduce him. How was he to know that Marissa would pick that moment to come and find him? Was he supposed to wait for Marissa to figure out which boy she wanted? Was he supposed to turn down all twenty-four year old ex-models that threw themselves at him because of a girl that wasn't even sure if she was into him?

"Ryan. You haven't heard a word I've said…" Seth mutters, impatient with him.

"Sure I have. Summer finally acknowledged that you're alive and into her. I'm happy for you, man. I really am," Ryan replies. 

"But obviously, your night didn't go so well…"

"I'm tired, Seth. I don't want to talk about it."

"But…"

"I'm tired," Ryan repeats.

"Whoa. It must be big…" 

Ryan can see Seth's mental gears turning. "Stop thinking. Nothing happened. Go to bed." 

"But you'll tell me tomorrow, right?" Seth asks, finally getting the point and standing up. 

"Sure. I'll tell you tomorrow," Ryan lies. He lies back down on the bed, facedown.

A few minutes later, there's a knock on the door. Ryan sits up as Sandy steps inside. 

"You sleeping?"

"Nah. What's up?" Ryan questions.

"I just wanted to apologize for Kirsten's father. We…we don't get along and the only reason he acted like that toward you…"

"It's cool, Mr. Cohen. Really," Ryan interrupts, not wanting to hear any excuses for the man. "It's all good."

Sandy looks at him, curiously. "Really. It doesn't look like it's all good to me."

"I didn't expect a ticker tape parade, Mr. Cohen. I understand that I'm not a part of the family, I get that. I'm just trying to stay out of trouble and…"

"You have lipstick on your face," Sandy realizes.

"What?" Ryan asks.

"Lipstick. On your face. Marissa?" Sandy questions. "is that why she left with Luke in such a hurry? Did you two…"

"No," Ryan answers quickly.

"Not Marissa?" Sandy asks, confused.

"Not exactly," Ryan replies.

"Then…"

"I'm okay, Mr. Cohen. I appreciate the concern but I'm fine," Ryan sighs, running a hand through his hair.

"Okay. Don't look so down, kid. It's not the end of the world." Sandy gets up but stops by the door. "And Ryan? You are a part of this family now. Okay?"

"Okay."

Sandy goes inside to Kirsten and they mend their differences with a few apologies. 

"Did you see Ryan all night, Sandy?" Kirsten asks as they get ready for bed. "I missed him at the party."

"I don't think he was really into socializing. He's having girl trouble, I think. I saw Marissa bolt out of here with Luke and Ryan has some other girl's lipstick all over him," Sandy replies.

"Really? I thought Ryan was into Marissa? It's not like him…wait a minute," Kirsten stops. She turns to her husband. "You don't think Dad's new girlfriend…"

"Gabrielle? She's twenty-four and Ryan's only sixteen…" Sandy scoffs.

"Did you see the way she was ogling him at dinner the other night? You don't think that she and Ryan…no, that's not possible." 

"Surely he would have said something…" Sandy starts.

"He's a sixteen year old boy. If she had propositioned you at sixteen would you have turned her away? I don't think Jesus even had that much self control," Kirsten replies.

"Kirsten. Do you really think that Gabrielle would…"

"Yes. I do. And I think you should go talk to him…" Kirsten begins.

"But I already had the 'fatherly' talk with him already tonight…" Sandy begins.

"About what?" Kirsten asks.

Sandy hesitates. 

"Sandy?"

"About how your father treated him. Seth said he treated Ryan like the pool boy. Didn't acknowledge that he was even a person. I just felt like I should apologize…"

"Apologize for my father? Sandy…"

"He's a kid, Kirsten, he's trying to fit in and here's a member of our family making him feel like trash," Sandy explains.

"Maybe I should talk to him…"

"About Gabrielle?" Sandy questions as she stands up.

"No. Yes. Come on, Sandy. I think we need a united front," Kirsten sighs, pulling him to his feet.

Ryan watches Luke's truck pull up to the Coopers and drop off Marissa. He hurries and meets her outside the door.

"You're too late," She says, quietly. Then she turns and goes into her house.

Ryan curses himself and then returns to the pool house.

"Hey. Where are you sneaking off to?" Kirsten calls as she and Sandy intercept Ryan outside the pool house.

"Nowhere. See? No bags," Ryan replies holding up his hands.

"Do you have a second to talk?"

Ryan realizes suddenly that with both the Cohens outside his door that something must be wrong. "Sure." He knows he's in trouble.

Ryan is no stranger to being in trouble. At home with his mother, trouble usually meant a beating of some sort from whatever man she happened to be with at the time. Here, with the Cohens, he has no idea what to expect. He closes his eyes and prepares his 'indifferent' face before leading them into the pool house.

"Sit down," Kirsten says. Ryan sits down on the couch, silent.

Kirsten and Sandy realize that something has changed in Ryan's demeanor once they sit down across from him. He has totally shut down, preparing himself for a reprimand. Sandy recognizes the expression on the boy's face from the times he's seen him in jail and with his mother. He had hoped that he'd never see that expression on Ryan's face while in his care. 

Kirsten glances at Sandy, concerned.

"You know what this is about?" Sandy asks.

"Probably," Ryan replies, quietly.

"You want to tell us what happened?" Kirsten asks.

Ryan's mind is spiraling. It's possible that the Cohens don't know about Gabrielle. They could be confronting him about the shooting a few nights before that Seth and himself did not tell them about. He doesn't answer.

"Did something happen between you and Gabrielle?" Sandy asks, unsure if Ryan was intending to answer Kirsten.

Ryan opens his mouth to answer, but he can't find the words to explain himself.

"Should I take that as a yes?" Sandy questions. 

Ryan runs a hand through his hair, nervously. "I'm sorry. I know that doesn't mean anything, but I am. I'm paying for it already and I really…I'm sorry." Ryan catches himself saying too much and stops. 

Kirsten and Sandy glance at each other again. They had their suspicions but they didn't really believe it. 

"What happened?" Kirsten asks.

Ryan looks at her, furtively. "You want details?" 

Kirsten blushes. 

"Sorry. Nothing happened. She kissed me last night, when you guys were fighting in the kitchen," Ryan sighs. "Tonight, she told me to find her. I ended up hiding out in here…" His composure drops for a moment as he remembers why he was hiding. "And she came in."

"Ryan…" Sandy scolds.

"We got interrupted, okay? Nothing happened," Ryan confesses.

Sandy opens his mouth to speak, but Kirsten beats him to it. "Marissa. She saw you?"

Ryan doesn't have to answer, they both see the flash of pain in his eyes before it's replaced with ice. 

"Ryan, Gabrielle is a grown woman, she shouldn't…" Kirsten starts

"I take responsibility for it. It's not like I pushed her off me or anything. It was a mistake. I should…I should have had better control over myself…" Ryan mutters, almost to himself.

"I…we…damn. We never had problems like this with Seth," Sandy says, at a loss for words.

"I never had older women coming after me before either," Ryan mutters. "Something about me and this place don't mesh. I don't work here. No matter how hard I try, how much I think I've got things under control…something like this happens…"

"Ryan…" Sandy starts.

"You didn't see her face. Oh god…I really hurt her…" Ryan mutters, forgetting where he is for a moment and standing up and walking to the window. 

Kirsten glances at Sandy. Sandy realizes that Kirsten is not upset with Ryan for hooking up with Gabrielle, she's worried about the teenager.

"Ryan, didn't she come to the party with Luke?" Kirsten asks, going to the kid's side.

Ryan tenses up as she places her hand on his shoulder. "Evidently, she hadn't made up her mind yet. I did that for her. As if she doesn't have enough to deal with…I'm sorry. I'm sorry about Gabby…"

"I think you're paying for your mistake enough…and I'm not sure that we could punish you for this anyway…are you okay?" Kirsten asks, quietly.

"Yeah. I'm fine," Ryan replies. "Thanks," He adds.

"You could have come to us, Ryan…" Sandy begins.

Ryan glances at him. "Really? About this?"

Sandy hesitates. "It's complicated…but we would have figured out something."

"Okay. I'm sorry…"

"Stop apologizing. I'm sure…things will work out, Ryan. Marissa, she's a smart girl…" Sandy starts. "Things will work out. You'll find your place here."

"Okay," Ryan nods. 

"At least pretend like you believe it," Kirsten remarks.

"Okay," Ryan says, still looking out the window.

"Get some sleep, kid. We'll talk tomorrow."

******

Ryan doesn't sleep. His mind is racing with the night's events. Gabby's hot kisses and wandering hands. Marissa's stricken face in his room. Marissa's face outside her house. By the time the sun comes up, he's exhausted and he still doesn't know what he should do. He can't apologize to Marissa…he just can't. He just won't talk to her. He dresses for work, hoping that Seth will still be asleep and dreaming of Summer when he leaves for work.

He doesn't eat breakfast, he doesn't have any appetite. He hasn't had an appetite since Gabrielle first showed interest in him. The disgusted looks of Kirsten's father intermingled with the wanton glances of Gabrielle had deadened his insides. He unchains his bike and starts for the Crab Shack. 

His boss is impressed by his early appearance and quickly puts him to work. He readies the restaurant for opening letting the repetitive tasks take his mind off his personal issues for a while. As he steps outside to sweep off the sidewalk, Seth slides up on his skateboard. 

"What's up?" Seth asks.

"Morning," Ryan nods. 

"Someone called for you this morning. It sounded important and they wouldn't leave a message, only a phone number. You're avoiding me, aren't you?" Seth asks, his words jumbled together. 

"No, Seth. I just wanted to come in early today. I was awake…"

"You look harsh. Did you sleep?" Seth questions, concerned.

"Sure. I'm okay. So what's up with this phone call?" Ryan asks.

"It was a guy. He wanted you to call him as soon as possible. Here," Seth hands him a phone number. 

"You got thirty-five cents?" Ryan asks, starting toward the payphone after motioning to his boss with a gesture telling him that he needed to use the phone. Seth hands him some change and follows him to the phone.

Ryan dials the number. "This is Ryan Atwood. I'm returning a call…" Ryan's voice fades. 

Seth cannot hear the conversation, but he senses that something is wrong because Ryan turns away from him to hide his face.

"Are you sure?" Ryan asks, slowly into the phone. Seth has never heard his friend have that tone of voice before. "Can I get an address?" Ryan uses the pen and order pad from his apron to take down an address. "No, I can do it. I'll be right there." He hangs up the phone. 

"Ryan? What is it?"

Ryan turns to him with pale skin. "Can I ask you a huge favor, Seth?"

"Sure, Ryan, what?" Seth responds, instantly.

"Can you afford a cab to Chino? I need to get down there…" Ryan starts.

"I'll take care of it. Where are we going?" Seth asks, assuming that he's going.

"It shouldn't take too long. Let me tell my boss and I'll be right back. This is the address." Ryan hands him the address and disappears. He doesn't want Seth to call the Cohens once he tells his friend why he has to go to Chino. 

As Ryan steps inside the restaurant, he momentarily loses focus and stumbles into the bar.

"What's up?" His supervisor asks.

"I need to go. Uh, it's an emergency…" Ryan stays, out of breath suddenly.

"What kind of emergency?" The older man questions, automatically.

"Like, my mom's been in an accident and they need me to identify the body kind of emergency," Ryan says, his voice unsteady.

The man raises his eyebrows surprised. "Sure, kid, take the rest of the day off…"

"Really? I can come in later…" Ryan replies.

"It's your mom, kid. Take the day off."

"Thanks, I'll see you tomorrow…" Ryan says, leaving before his boss can respond. 

"The cab's on the way." Seth is waiting by the payphone. "Ryan…"

"I don't want to talk about it. I just need to get there," Ryan says, his voice having a strange note of finality. He turns away from Seth, running his now shaking hands through his hair. "I have to pull myself together…" He says to himself. 

"Ryan. What's going on? Who was on the phone?"

"I'll tell you after I get this done. Is that the cab?" Ryan notices an orange car pull up.

"Yeah, but Ryan…" Seth hesitates

"Come on, Seth." He meets his eyes for the first time. "It's important, okay? You don't even have to go if you don't want to. But I have to go."

Seth follows Ryan to the cab.

"Is this the hospital?" Seth asks as the cab pulls up to the front of a building. They had ridden the entire way in silence, Ryan's trembling keeping Seth from speaking. 

"No. It's the morgue. I'll be right back."

Ryan hasn't let himself process the information the policeman gave him on the phone. Clearly the man did not know that Ryan is only sixteen, but he is Dawn Atwood's only living family. His mother. Drunk driving. Accident killing her and her boyfriend. Ryan shakes off the man's words as he checks in at the desk. An officer comes to meet him and escorts him into the morgue.

"I know this is hard for you, but we need a positive identification before we can process the body…" The officer says, leading him into the chilled room. 

"It's okay. I can do it," Ryan replies. The officer nods, seeing the coldness in the young man's eyes harden as he prepares himself. The officer opens a small door on a wall and pulls out a long tray with a body bag.

"She's a little…messed up. Are you ready?" 

Ryan nods. The officer unzips the bag and Ryan manages not to react. "That's her."

"You're sure?"

"Yeah. That's definitely her. She has a couple of tattoos, a rose on her shoulder, a heart on her thigh…that's her." Ryan says, his voice low. He can't take his eyes off his mother's ruined body, but he is steady.

"Would you know the man found with her?" The officer asks.

"Maybe. I haven't seen her in a while, but I can take a look," Ryan replies. The officer returns Dawn's body to the drawer, opening the one alongside her. He unzips the bag.

"A.J. Lockwood. He's got family in Corona, I think," Ryan says, not affected as much by the sight of his mother's dead lover. "The A.J. stands for Alan Jeffrey. Alan Jeffrey Lockwood."

"Do you know how we can reach his family?" The officer asks, writing down the information.

"No, I'm sorry. I do know he's got a couple of brothers in prison upstate. Fredericks Penitentiary." Ryan sighs.

"Thank you. That's all we need. Should we contact you about the body when we release it?" The officer asks.

"Uh…yeah. You guys can call the same number you reached me at before. Am I done?"

"Yes, sir. I'm sorry about your loss…" The officer starts. Ryan is already walking away. 

"I lost her a long time ago," Ryan mutters, walking upstairs slowly. He steps out into the sunlight and sees the taxi with Seth's worried face in the window. 

He gets back into the cab and Seth gives the driver the address to their home.

"Ryan? What were we there for?" Seth asks.

Ryan is lost in thought. "What?"

"Why were we at the morgue, Ryan?" Seth asks, trying to conceal his worry, but failing.

"My mother's dead," Ryan states. Seth gasps. 

"What?"

"She's dead. Car accident," Ryan states, again. 

"Are you…are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm okay."

"No, you're not…Ryan…"

"You don't have to say anything, Seth. There's nothing to be said," Ryan replies. 

When they arrive back at the house, Kirsten is in the kitchen and Sandy is gone to work. Ryan nods to Mrs. Cohen but goes straight to the pool house before Seth can say anything. Kirsten senses the tension and as soon as Ryan is gone, turns to her son.

"What's up with you two?"

"Ryan and I just got back from the morgue," Seth says, his voice trembling. 

"What?" Kirsten gasps.

"Some guy called for Ryan today so I took a number and went to see him at the Crab Shack. He didn't…he didn't say anything, Mom, nothing, he just asked me if I could pay for a cab. He told me on the way back that his mom was dead…"

Ryan opens the door to the pool house and finds Marissa sitting, anxiously, on the couch.

"Ryan?"

"Hey. What's up?"

"Can we talk?" Marissa asks, clearly nervous.

"Uh, sure," Ryan replies, sitting down beside her.

"About last night…"

"It was a mistake. I'm sorry that you walked in on me like that…" Ryan mutters, distracted. 

"I slept with Luke," Marissa interrupts.

Ryan is quiet. "Okay."

"That's all you have to say?" Marissa snaps.

Ryan is silent for a moment. "What should I say? He's your boyfriend. You've been with him a long time."

Marissa stands up, flushed. "Damn you, Ryan Atwood…" She starts, angrily, when Kirsten steps into the pool house.

"Marissa?" Kirsten calls.

"Hi, Mrs. Cohen. I came by to see Ryan but I think we're done now." Marissa glances at him, angrily and storms out of the pool house.

"Ryan?" Kirsten calls.

"I'm okay, Mrs. Cohen," Ryan whispers. "I just need some time to think…"

"I don't think you should be alone right now…"

"But I am alone. I'm really alone now," Ryan mutters, his eyes glazing.

"Ryan…"

He shakes off his slight daze and looks up at her for a moment. "Please?"

Kirsten nods, seeing the pain in his eyes that he doesn't let reflect on his face. She leaves him to his silence. 

*****

Sandy gets a phone call in his office from the police informing him of Dawn's death. As soon as he hangs up, it rings again. 

"Sandy Cohen," He answers.

"Sandy. Ryan's mother died," Kirsten says immediately.

"I know, I just got the call…how do you know?"

"Apparently, Ryan went and identified her body," Kirsten replies.

"What?"

"Seth said Ryan didn't say anything until they were on their way back from the morgue…" Kirsten elaborates.

"How is he?"

"He's Ryan. I tried to talk to him, but he said he needed to be by himself. I left him alone…" Kirsten explains. 

"I'll be home as soon as I can. He identified her body, Kirsten?" 

"I think so. Seth said he went inside the building and was gone for a while and then he came out. He does look old for his age, maybe the police didn't realize that he was a child…"

"Okay, Kirsten. I'll be home shortly."

Marissa is sitting at the end of the driveway smoking a cigarette. Ryan walks down, not noticing her as he lights his own cigarette. She glares at him. He doesn't acknowledge her, lost in his own thoughts.

"You are really not the man I thought you were," Marissa scoffs.

"What? Hey, Marissa," Ryan glances up, clearly startled by her presence. She realizes that something is very wrong.

"You can't seriously say you didn't see me sitting right here," Marissa retorts, disregarding her foreboding feeling and letting her anger out.

"I'm sorry, Marissa. I'm sorry about everything. I'm sorry about last night and I'm sorry that I can't seem to say the right things to you. I'm just sorry," Ryan says, his eyes dull. 

Marissa has never seen Ryan look the way he does now. She forgets her anger for a moment and asks, "What's wrong, Ryan?"

"Everything…" He breathes in reply. 

"Ryan?" Marissa calls, her worry growing.

"I'm sorry, Marissa. Nothing's wrong. I'm sorry." He takes a long drag off his cigarette and doesn't meet her eyes.

"Me, too, Ryan. I'm sorry, too." She snaps, suddenly, her anger returning. She stands up and starts to bolt.

"Not everything's about you, Marissa," He says, quietly. "I tried to do what was right. When you came to me and told me that you were considering getting back with Luke, I should have told you how I felt right then, but…I can't give you what he can. I don't want to be the reason that you throw away a long-time relationship. And when I saw you with him at the party, I knew that I had missed my chance. So when…when Gabby made a play for me, I didn't stop her. I…it was a mistake and I'm sorry," Ryan says, not turning around to look at her, but keeping his back to her. 

"Ryan…" Marissa starts.

"I don't feel like talking anymore. I'll see you around, Marissa…" Ryan turns around and starts walking back up the driveway, his eyes glazed. 

"Ryan, wait!" Marissa calls, but he continues walking. 

Ryan steps into the pool house when a wave of nausea overtakes him. He rushes to the bathroom and vomits in the bathroom.

His mother is dead. She wasn't necessarily a good mother, but she was all he had. She was all he ever had. She was his mother and now she's gone. Forever. Sure, she walked out on him, twice. Abandoned him, but at least she wasn't a corpse. She's dead and Ryan doesn't have anything in his stomach to throw up. He dry heaves for a while, wanting to purge his system of the erosive pain that feels like it's killing him. His mother is dead. 

Marissa knocks on the Cohens' door. Kirsten answers. 

"Marissa. I don't think Ryan's up for company…" She starts.

"What's wrong with him? Something's wrong and I was just so mad that I…" Marissa begins.

"It's okay. Ryan's mother was killed," Kirsten interrupts, gently.

Marissa gasps. "What?"

"It was a car accident and somehow, he found out before Sandy or I." Kirsten hesitates. "He didn't say anything?"

"God, no…I had no idea…can I go talk to him?" Marissa asks.

Seth appears. "I'll walk with her, Mom. If he sends us away, we'll leave. Okay?"

Kirsten nods.

"Did you know about his mom?" Marissa asks Seth as they go through the kitchen. 

"I rode in the taxi to the morgue with him, but he didn't tell me what was up until after he had already seen her. He…its like he's shut down or something," Seth replies. He knocks on the pool house door, but there's no answer. He steps inside with Marissa following him closely.

"Ryan?" Seth calls.

A few moments later, Ryan steps out from the bathroom, looking flushed. "Yeah?"

"You okay?"

"I just got a little sick, I'm okay. What's going on?" Ryan asks, glancing at them, anxiously.

"Sick? What did you eat today?" Seth asks, automatically.

"Nothing. Just nerves, I guess," Ryan replies. Marissa goes toward him and embraces him, impulsively, ignoring his surprise. 

He is stiff in her arms but after a few moments, he returns her embrace with an arm around her thin frame. "Thanks."

"Ryan, we're your friends. We want to help you…" Seth starts.

"I know and I appreciate it…" Ryan sighs.

"You saw her?" Marissa whispers, pulling him over to the couch to sit down.

"Yeah. They needed someone to identify the body and I was the next of kin…well, after Trey and Dad…I should probably call Trey…" Ryan realizes.

"You don't have any other family? Grandparents or aunts or uncles?" Seth asks.

"Not that I ever heard of. Mom…she didn't know her dad and her mom died of a drug overdose back in the 80's." Ryan is quiet for a moment then he jolts as if shocked. 

"Ryan?" Marissa gasps.

"She looked so awful…I mean, I expected it to be bad, but…she just looked so awful…" Ryan whispers, his eyes distant.

"You should try and remember the good times, Ryan, when she looked good and was healthy…" Seth starts.

Ryan snorts. "She never looked good. She was never healthy. She was always drinking something or shooting something into her bloodstream…" He seems to realize that he's seen so much and stops.

"Ryan…" Marissa starts.

"They're supposed to call me when they're ready to release the body. I should go tell your Mom…" Ryan says suddenly, standing up.

"Wait, Ryan. You can't just shake this off and get on with your life, it's your mom," Marissa says.

"Why can't I? She moved on with her life without a second thought. I should be able to do the same thing," Ryan replies, his face expressionless. He goes to the door. 

"Ryan," Marissa states.

"I need to find out how I can get in touch with Trey. I'll see you guys later," He says, leaving quickly.

*****

Ryan is shaking when he makes it to the main house. He takes a moment outside the door to try and stop shaking. He doesn't want to deal with the Cohens right now but he doesn't have much choice. He needs to call his brother. He steps inside, slightly calmer than when he left his worried friends. 

"Ryan?" Kirsten seems relieved to see the teenager. Sandy walks in at almost the same time as Ryan. 

"Hey," Ryan nods, sitting down. "Do you know how I can get in touch with my brother?" 

"I thought you'd be asking about that so I brought his number for you. Do you want me to call him?" Sandy asks. 

"I think I need to be the one to tell him," Ryan replies. 

"Are you alright, Ryan?" Sandy asks, concerned by his blank expression.

"Yeah. I'm fine," Ryan replies, flatly.

"Ryan…" Sandy starts.

"I'm fine. I'm going to go call Trey," He leaves before they can question him further.

Ryan sits down, starting to tremble now that he is away from the Cohen's watch. He picks up the phone and dials the prison. After several minutes, he is connected to his brother.

"This Trey."

"Trey, its Ryan."

"Little bro, what the fuck do you want?"

"Fuck you," Ryan snaps, his nerves too raw to take his brother's hostility without a response. Kirsten hears the tension in his voice and motions to Sandy. They stand outside the door, listening discretely.

"Ooh, a little defensive, are we? You called me. I'm in jail. What the fuck do you want?" Trey retorts.

"Mom's dead. I thought you might care," Ryan states.

Trey is silent for a long moment. "What happened?"

"Car accident. She got wasted and crashed the car. Killed AJ, too," Ryan mutters, covering his face with his hand. He had never been particularly close with his brother but Ryan knows that Trey loved their mother, no matter what he said.

"Well, that bastard deserved it. Why weren't you driving?" Trey demands. 

"She kicked me out. I haven't stayed with her in a couple of weeks."

"Fuck you, Ry, you were supposed to take care of her! She's your mother, you know she was a fuck up…"

Ryan doesn't know what to say. 

"I can't believe you let my mother die," Trey says.

"I did not let her die," Ryan states, seriously. "She kicked me out. My lawyer tracked her down and she walked out again…"

"This isn't about you, punk, it's about Mom and how you let her die! You know she didn't mean it, she was all fucked up! You should have stayed with her!"  
"Fuck you, Trey, you're locked up there, you have no idea what's going on out here and you don't give a damn!"

"I give a damn about my mom!" 

"You wouldn't even see her when she came to visit, you bastard, and now you're blaming this on me 'cause you're an asshole," Ryan snaps. "This is not my fault."

Trey's voice is low and menacing. "This _is_ your fault. You should have been there, you should have been driving her…"

"Fuck you, Trey," Ryan says, not letting him finish. He stands up, dropping the phone like it is on fire. Kirsten rushes into the room, pale from hearing Ryan's side of the exchange. 

"Ryan…"

"It's okay," Ryan says, holding up his hands to keep Kirsten at a distance. "He's…he's just an asshole…" He turns and stumbles slightly before rushing from the house.

"Sandy, how are we supposed to help him when he won't stay still long enough for us to talk to him?" Kirsten asks, frustrated.

"He'll talk when he's ready, Kirsten. He just lost his mother, I'm sure he's a little shaken up right now," Sandy says, embracing his wife. 

"I just wish I knew what to do for him…I mean, he's acting like it doesn't matter, but he shakes when no one's around, Sandy. He just trembles. You can't tell me that a sixteen-year-old boy should be shaking…" She says, upset.

"I know, Kirsten, but we need to give him time to deal with his grief. He'll be okay."  
Ryan stops his frantic race from the Cohens when he gets outside the house. He just stops running. He stands motionless, stunned. His brother blames him. Is this his fault? Was Ryan supposed to take care of his mother? Could he have prevented his mother's death? 

Seth and Marissa spot him from the pool house, seeing his stricken state. Seth steps out first. Ryan doesn't acknowledge him, his eyes dead.

"Ryan. Come on, Ryan," Seth doesn't panic when Ryan doesn't respond. He gently takes Ryan's arm and leads him into the pool house. 

"What…" Marissa starts, but stops after a glance from Seth. 

Ryan sits down on the couch, still silent. 

"Did you talk to your brother?" Marissa asks.

"It's my fault," Ryan whispers, his eyes distant. He doesn't acknowledge Seth or Marissa's presence, lost in thought.

"It's not your fault. Is that what your brother said?"

"It's my fault. I should have taken care of her. I should have been driving her…I always drove her…" Ryan mutters, his voice almost inaudible. Marissa gasps. 

"What do you mean, Ryan?" Seth urges.

"I drove her. She was always wasted. I've been driving her since I was ten. Trey says this is my fault. I should've taken care of her…" Ryan murmurs. Marissa is speechless. 

"Ryan." Seth takes his friend by the shoulder and shakes him. "This is not your fucking fault. Okay? There was nothing you could have done."

Ryan nods, seeming to listen. "Nothing. She didn't want me around. I couldn't protect her. Not my fault." 

"Yeah. It's not your fault…" Seth says.

Ryan snaps out of his trance with a burst of nausea. He rushes into the bathroom, barely closing the door behind him before falling to his knees and starting to heave. He feels like he has to rid his body of the guilt and pain. He can't go on like this. He has to purge his system of all the emotion. He can't take this.

"Ryan. Stop it. You don't have anything left to throw up…" Marissa is by his side when he snaps out of his trance. 

"I can't…" He gasps. He feels like he's drowning. He heaves again.

"Ryan. Breathe. Can you do that? Take a deep breath, okay?" Seth is on the other side of him.

Ryan closes his eyes. He takes a deep breath. 

"Good. Keep doing that, okay? Breathe, Ryan…" Marissa says. 

He feels her arms encircle him and he lets her hold him. He didn't know he was shaking until he feels Marissa holding him still.

Ryan seems to recover. He isn't crying, but his blue eyes are flashing with pain. He pulls away, brushing himself off. 

"Better?" Marissa asks.

"Yeah, thanks…" Ryan starts to get to his feet, accepting Seth's hand. He is still trembling but steadies himself. 

Marissa glances at Seth, still worried.

"I'm okay. Talking to my brother just fucked me up…"  
"What did he say?" Seth asks, putting a hand on Ryan's shoulder to steady him.

"That it's my fault…" Ryan replies.

"It's not your fault!" Marissa interrupts. He doesn't meet her gaze.

"I guess it's all about your perspective. I mean, Trey's in jail. He doesn't really know what's going with the outside world…I'm sure he didn't mean it…"

"He meant it," Ryan replies. "I'm supposed to be taking care of her. Trey…it was my job to get her sober in the mornings and get her to work and back. It was always my job…"

"Ryan. Sometimes things are out of your control," Marissa says, calmly. "Your mother…she walked away from you, there was nothing you could have done…"

He nods, listening. 

"This isn't your fault," Seth says.

Ryan nods again. "I should've been there…"  
"Why, so she could hurt you, too? You're safe now, Ryan…" Seth starts, stopping when he sees Ryan's face. 

"Thanks for everything, guys, but I think I need to be alone," Ryan sighs, covering his face.

"I disagree," Marissa says, quietly.

Ryan glances at her. "Don't you have plans with Luke or something?" 

Marissa reacts as if struck. Even Seth gasps at Ryan's harshness. "Ryan…"  
"I'm sorry. I'm just not…" Ryan's eyes are clouded with anguish. "I just need to think about this…"

Marissa nods, glancing at Seth in confusion. 

"I'll be back in a second to check on you, Ryan, no arguments…" Seth leaves Ryan alone in the bathroom and follows Marissa to the patio.

"What's going on between you two?" Seth whispers.

"Ryan didn't tell you?" Marissa asks.

"Ryan hasn't said much of anything since before my Grandpa's party. He's like a zombie," Seth admits. "And now with his mom and everything, he's scaring the hell out of me."

"I walked in on him in a compromising position," Marissa sighs. 

"What kind of position?"

"Under your grandfather's girlfriend," Marissa continues.

"Damn…no wonder he's been so twisted up," Seth whistles. "Gabby was chasing after him like a dog in heat…"

"Seth, I don't need to hear the details," Marissa scolds.

"Sorry. I just…this just sucks. Ryan's been pining over you ever since he got here and I saw how upset he was when you walked in with Luke to the party. Can I apologize for him?" Seth asks.

"No. He's already apologized, sort of. He explained himself. And I have no hold on him, you know? I am with Luke. Ryan's a free agent. But I do care about him," Marissa whispers.

"I know. I don't know what to do for him…he's fine one second and then he's just…frozen…" Seth says, concern on his face. 

"Stay with him, Seth, no matter what he says. I don't think he should be by himself. I'm really worried about him. It's like he really thinks this is his fault," Marissa says. 

"I will," Seth nods. 

"Can I call you to find out how he is?" Marissa asks, glancing over her shoulder.

"Yeah, Marissa. I'm sure he'll want to talk to you," Seth nods. Seth watches her leave and then returns to the pool house. He immediately hears the sound of retching.

"Ryan?" Seth calls, going to the bathroom. Ryan has locked the door. Seth knocks. "Ryan. Come on, buddy, open the door…"

After several minutes, Ryan swings the door open. "I'm okay, Seth."

"No, you're not. Saying you're okay does not make you okay, okay?" Seth states. 

"Okay. I'm not okay. But I can't be around anyone right now," Ryan admits. "I'm not social. I can't sit around with you and Marissa and talk about my grief. I just need quiet. Okay?"

Seth hesitates.

"Seth. Please. You can come and check on me later. I'll be okay, I just need some time," Ryan says.

"Okay. I'll go inside. You'll call me if you need me?" Seth asks.

"Yeah. Thanks, Seth," Ryan sighs. Seth turns to leave. He hears the door close and the sound of Ryan heaving. He lets himself out. 

Sandy and Kirsten are sitting in the kitchen when he comes in.

"How is he?" Kirsten asks, immediately.

Seth sighs, sitting down. 

"Seth?" Sandy urges.

"He's sick. It's like he's so sad that it's making him sick," Seth states. 

Kirsten stands up, intending to go to the pool house.

"He says he needs to be by himself. Marissa and I managed to calm him down, but he's still upset. His brother, apparently, blames Ryan for not taking care of their mother. Ryan says that he used to drive her everywhere. Since he was ten. Ryan says that it was always his job to get her to work and back and everything because she was always wasted," Seth continues. "So he's in the bathroom, just…he isn't throwing up because there's nothing in his stomach…he's just heaving."

"We have to do something…" Kirsten tells Sandy.

"Let me try talking to him," Sandy sighs. "There isn't much anyone can say at a time like this, but…I'll think of something."

Sandy knocks on the door to the pool house but there is no answer. He steps inside. All the lights are off. He glances around and doesn't see Ryan. 

"Hey." 

Sandy is surprised to find Ryan sitting in the floor in a corner of the darkened room. "Hey. What are you doing?"

"Sitting in the dark," Ryan answers. "I was enjoying the quiet."

"You were enjoying it?" Sandy questions.

"It's different than back home. No traffic. No gunshots or sirens. It's just quiet. It's nice," Ryan says.

"Can I turn a light on? So I can see you when I'm talking to you?"

"It's your house," Ryan replies, indifferently.

Sandy flips the lights on and Ryan winces. He is sitting in the corner with his arms wrapped around his knees. The boy's demeanor startles Sandy. His normally alert blue eyes are pools of anguish but his face is completely blank.

"Ryan…"

"You guys are big on the talking. I'm not good at that. I don't feel like talking."

"What do you feel like?"

Ryan replies instantly. "Sitting in the dark. That's what I feel like."

"Ryan, it isn't healthy for you to hold everything inside, you have to learn…"  
"Learn what, Mr. Cohen? I'm a little too old to be learning how to fit into a new family," Ryan says, quietly. "You guys…you don't understand…my mother is dead. Maybe you've lost people and you think you understand, but you didn't grow up in the same house with her. I can't explain…"

"Try, Ryan. I might not understand, but I can listen…"  
"I don't want to talk about it. Not right now. It's not right," Ryan says, his eyes clouded. 

Sandy is stumped at how to proceed. He sits down on the couch a few feet away from Ryan. "Ryan. Seth says that you're sick. Can you talk about that?"

"I'm better now," Ryan replies. Sandy is quiet, waiting for him to continue. 

"Ryan. You have to talk to us…"  
"I can't…I don't know what to say…I don't know where to start…" Ryan says, starting to get upset. 

"It's okay, Ryan. I don't want to upset you any more than you already are…"

Ryan holds his hands out in defense. "I'm sorry, Mr. Cohen. I just can't do this right now. It's too soon. It's too raw. It hurts too much…I promised myself that I wouldn't let her hurt me anymore and this…I feel like I'm dying…it's like she's dead and she's still finding ways to hurt me…" He stands up and rushes to the bathroom. 

Sandy is stricken as he listens to the teenager being sick. He turns off the lights in the pool house and returns to the main house with no further insight into how to help the boy. 

Ryan doesn't sleep. He sits in the dark and listens to the distant waves. He doesn't know why he can't shake off his grief. His mother wasn't a good mother, but she was his. They belonged to each other. She made him. Without her, he wouldn't have existed. That isn't a good reason to grieve for her but it's the only one he has. They hadn't shared many good times, not that he can remember. Every once and a while when one of her boyfriends would hurt him too much, she would make him dinner or get him drunk, but he can't remember her treating him the way Kirsten treats Seth. Dawn never told him that she loved him or needed him. She always expected him to take care of himself. He can't remember when he started taking responsibility for her. Somewhere along the way, he started taking care of her. 

He would pick her up off the floor when she would fall over drunk. He would protect her as much as he could from the flying fists of her many lovers. He would patch her wounds up when one of her boyfriends would make it past him to hurt her. He would make sure she got up in time to go to work. He would put in job applications for her when she lost her jobs. He would pay the rent if he had the money when she didn't. 

Ryan shakes his head, lost in thought. Now she's dead. He doesn't ever have to worry about her anymore. He should be relieved. He should be glad that he doesn't have to be concerned anymore. 

He should have checked on her. Even though she walked away from him, he shouldn't have walked away from her. He should have taken care of her. He should have called her to make sure she was staying sober. He should have made sure that AJ was not pulling her down again. 

The sun's up. Ryan doesn't know when daylight found him, the rays breaking through the blinds and illuminating him on the floor. He has to get up. He's been sitting in the same position all night. His body is stiff and his stomach is sore from the ferociousness of his heaving. He has to get up. He goes to the bathroom, standing in front of the mirror and looking at himself. He has dark bags under his eyes and his skin is pale. He runs his hands through his hair and gets into the shower. He tries to scrub the layer of disgust off his skin. 

He let his mother die. He's alone. He ruined his chance to be with Marissa. He broke down in front of Seth and the Cohens. He has to scrub it away. 

He steps out once the hot water is gone. He dries off and dresses in jeans and a t-shirt that Kirsten bought for him. Not his mother, his mother rarely bought him anything especially not clothes. 

Ryan sits down on the bed, breathing deeply. He puts his face in his hands. He has to stop thinking. He has to stop thinking about her. 

"Ryan. I brought you some breakfast." Kirsten steps inside the pool house.

"I'm not hungry," Ryan replies, sliding from the bed to sit on the floor. He leans against the bed. Kirsten brings the tray of cereal over to him, sitting down beside him.

"You didn't sleep at all?" She asks, gently.

He shakes his head. "I couldn't sleep." He glances up at her, sadly. "It shouldn't hurt this bad, Mrs. Cohen. She was already gone, you know? She was out of my life…so why is this eating me alive?"

"Because she was still a part of you. She will always be a part of you. She was your mother, whether she was good or bad, she was yours," Kirsten says, running a hand through his wet hair. "So this is going to hurt. It's going to take time but you'll be okay."  
'You think so? I don't think I'm doing so well right now…" Ryan admits. "I…I don't want this to be my fault, but the more I think about it…"  
"it's not your fault. There was no way you could have prevented this." Kirsten sighs. "I don't know how your family worked, Ryan, but it is not your job to take care of your mother. That's not the way things are supposed to work. You are not responsible for your mother, she's the one that's supposed to take care of you."

"I know…but my family didn't work that way. She couldn't take care of herself…she needed a lot of help…I should've known she'd…"

"Ryan. You can't blame yourself. I won't let you. Your mother's death…it's not your fault," Kirsten says, desperate to make him believe her.

"It just feels like my fault," Ryan whispers. "I'm not supposed to feel like this…I'm not supposed to feel anything…" 

"Why?" Kirsten asks, quietly, wanting to keep him talking.

"Because it hurts…I have to be hard…cold…" Ryan's eyes are glazed and Kirsten is unsure if he realizes that he is talking aloud. "I can't feel anything…"

"Ryan…why don't you get some rest. Lie down for a while, okay?" Kirsten urges. She pulls him from the floor and pulls back the covers on his bed. 

"I can't sleep, Mrs. Cohen…"  
"Well, you can't do much of anything else, either. Just try, okay?" She coaxes. "Lie down for a while. Make me feel better." She smiles at him. He sighs, sitting down on the bed and letting her cover him with the blanket. Ryan closes his eyes and immediately feels his exhaustion seeping to the surface. 

"I won't let anyone disturb you, alright?" Kirsten says, sitting beside him and gently rustling his hair again.

"Can you stay until I fall asleep?" Ryan asks, quietly. 

"Sure," She replies.

"Thanks," He whispers, keeping his eyes closed. Kirsten sits beside him, waiting for his breathing to slow. After several minutes, she knows that he's sleeping and she leaves him alone.

******

Seth answers the phone around noon. Kirsten left strict instructions with him not to disturb Ryan, which is why he is camped out in the kitchen, watching the pool house for any sign of movement. "Hello?"

"Can I speak to Ryan Atwood?"

Seth doesn't recognize the voice. "Can I ask who's calling?"

"No. I need to speak with Ryan." 

Seth starts walking toward the pool house. His mind is in overdrive. It could be the morgue, telling Ryan that his mother's body is ready. It could be the police or his father, having just learned of Dawn's death. Usually, Seth wouldn't bother him but something tells him that Ryan will probably want to talk to whoever's calling, especially if they won't leave a message.

Ryan sleeps soundly and doesn't dream. When he wakes up, he doesn't feel rested and the death of his mother immediately comes to mind. The lights are off in the pool house and he slowly sits up. Seth is standing in the doorway of the pool house with the cordless phone in his hand. "What?"

"Phone for you. They won't give me a name." 

Ryan waves Seth inside, sitting up and accepting the phone. Seth turns to leave, but Ryan stops him with a hand on his arm. "Wait, Seth." 

Seth nods, glad to see his friend looking more lucid than the night before. Ryan puts the phone to his ear, warily. "Yeah?"

"Ryan. It's Trey."

"Yeah," Ryan replies. Seth watches as Ryan's features harden.

"I've been thinking about yesterday…"

"So?" Ryan interrupts. 

"Ryan, just listen…"  
"I don't think I can," Ryan replies.

"Please," Trey says. "I'm sorry, I didn't know about Mom kicking you out…"  
"Just stop. I don't want to do this. There's nothing between us, okay? Let's just leave it that way."

"You're my brother…"

"Forget it. It never meant anything to you before, it shouldn't mean anything now," Ryan states, turning away from Seth's surprised face. "I'll have someone contact you about Dawn's arrangements."

"God, you're really pissed…" Trey remarks. "Listen, Ryan, you're my brother, you and I, we're all that's left…"

"There is nothing left," Ryan mutters. 

"Ryan, I know you're upset and that's mostly my fault…I shouldn't blame you for mom's death, I was just so upset…" Trey starts.

Ryan leans against the wall, overcome by emotion. He puts one hand against the wall, holding himself upright.

"I wasn't thinking straight and I blamed you, but I know that there was nothing you could have done…" Trey starts speaking faster, as if he realizes that Ryan's silence is growing short. "But you're my brother and I haven't been there for you and now…I don't want to miss my chance like I did with mom. I mean, she came to see me and I wouldn't even talk to her. Now I don't have another chance and…this sucks, Ryan."

Ryan is silent. Seth is watching him, his concern growing more as Ryan turns back toward him.

"Ryan?" Trey calls. "Come on, kid, talk to me."

"I'll have someone call you with the arrangements, Trey. There's nothing else between us," Ryan states, his voice flat. 

"I can't believe this, you're trying to be all hard now, like Dad, you're shutting me out like you don't care but I know you, little brother, you care more than all the Atwoods combined…" Trey snaps. His frustration has turned to anger.

"I'm done with this," Ryan states, coldly.

"You're a fool if you think you can just walk away from us. You might feel all safe and secure in your new home, but you're still an Atwood. It's just a matter of time before you end up in a neighboring cell. You're not smart enough to do anything else, at least that's what mom used to say…"

"You done?" Ryan asks, his voice level. 

"No, I'm not…"

"Yeah. You are. We're done." Ryan hangs up.

"I'm sorry, Ryan, I shouldn't…" Seth starts immediately.

"I needed to talk to him. Find a little closure."

"And did you find it? Closure?" Seth asks, unsure of how to react. Ryan isn't shaking. He's pale but there is nothing in his expression. His eyes are cold.

"No. But I tried." Ryan's blue eyes flash with emotion. "You saw me try, right?"

"I saw you let your brother upset you again. What did he say?" Seth asks.

Ryan hesitates. "You want to go for a walk, Seth? I need to get some air."

"Whatever you need, Ryan," Seth agrees. "You want to stop by Marissa's and show her you're okay?"

Ryan shrugs. "I'm sure she's busy. With Luke or Summer. I'll see her later. Let's just go out for a while. Before your mom sees us, she'll try and make me eat something…"

"Are you allergic to food now or something?" Seth responds.

"Do you want me puking like I did yesterday?" Ryan replies, quietly. "I'm better now, but I'm still not that good. I just want to take a walk."

Seth walks beside Ryan toward the beach. They don't talk, even Seth is unusually silent. He is waiting for a sign from his friend that things are going to be okay. He doesn't know why, but he needs Ryan to be okay. His life has changed so much since Ryan's arrival and to see him in pain is tearing Seth apart.

"So, Ryan…" Seth starts, but stops, realizing that Ryan's mouth was open to speak.

"Go ahead, Seth," Ryan says, quietly.

"I'm sorry about your mother. And your brother. I wish…you don't deserve…" Seth starts.

"How would you know what I deserve?" Ryan interrupts, curiously. "You…you just met me a few weeks ago, Seth? How do you know what I do and don't deserve?"

"Because I know you. I might not have known you forever, but I know that you're a good guy. I've seen you stick your neck out for me when you didn't even know me. Nobody deserves to lose their mother. And you've lost yours twice. You think you're being punished or something, Ryan?" Seth asks, worried. 

Ryan doesn't answer. He sighs. "You're more of a brother to me than Trey ever was. I can't erase all those years, Seth, living with them…thinking that my life was okay, thinking that the things we did were even remotely acceptable…I can't erase that…but is it wrong for me to try? I don't want to talk to Trey. I don't want to see him at the funeral in handcuffs…" He runs a hand through his hair. 

"Chill, Ryan. Everything will be okay, or so people keep telling me. Don't stress so much. You aren't living with your mother anymore. You're safe. Your past will always be there, but at least you can learn from it," Seth says, quietly. "You have another chance."

Ryan nods. They have reached the beach. 

"You hungry yet?" Seth asks, standing as Ryan sits down on the sand. "How about I get us some sodas?"

"Sure, Seth. Thanks." Ryan doesn't follow Seth, he sits silently and waits for his energetic friend to return. He doesn't register the voices until a shadow falls over him. He glances up.

"All alone, Chino?" 

Ryan bristles immediately. The short nap has not fully repaired his frayed nerves and hearing Luke's condescending voice brings him to his feet instantly. "What's it to you?" He notices that Luke only has one person with him, another member of the water polo team. He doesn't see Marissa around.

"Well, I've been wanting to talk to you alone to tell you thanks. Whatever you did to Marissa worked out great for me…" Luke starts. Ryan doesn't wait for him to go on. He lets his mind shut down and attacks. One thing that his brother taught him, don't let your mind get in the way of an 

Seth is standing in line at the concession stand when Marissa and Summer join him. 

"How's Ryan?" Marissa asks Seth immediately.

"Why do you care, Coop?" Summer questions, curious.

"'Cause his mother died, that's why," Marissa snaps back.

"God…I didn't know, you didn't tell me any of that…" Summer gasps. 

"He's…he's still really upset. He wanted to take a walk and we just got here. He hasn't eaten anything since…I don't know when and my mom commanded me to feed him today." Seth looks over the girls' shoulders. "He's down there on the beach…"

"Where?" Marissa asks, looking in the same direction as Seth.

"You don't think that's him…beating the hell out of Luke?" Summer squints and sees the struggling boys. 

"Shit…" Seth takes off in a sprint. Marissa and Summer are behind him but by the time they reach them, the fight is over. Luke's friend had effectively pulled Ryan off of Luke and then, with Luke's help, incapacitated Ryan with a series of punches and kicks to the stomach. When Seth arrives, immediately falling to his knees beside Ryan, Luke and his friend are putting distance between themselves and the fallen teenager.

"Ryan…" Seth gasps, ignoring Marissa and Summer who have rushed past them to reach Luke.

Ryan is laughing. He can't breathe because he is laughing so hard.

"What the hell are you laughing at?"

"You don't think this is funny?" Ryan laughs.

"I think you've lost your damn mind," Seth snaps, concerned.

Ryan sobers up after a few more minutes of laughter. "Hey, a beating is always a great way to relieve some tension," He says, sitting up and wincing. 


	2. 2

*****

Seth helps Ryan to his feet, still worried about Ryan's state of mind.

"Maybe a walk wasn't such a good idea," Ryan says, calmly.

"Are you alright?" Seth asks, quietly.

"Yeah. It just wasn't a good day for him to be breathing my oxygen," Ryan remarks. 

"Can I tell you something?" Seth asks, suddenly.

Ryan shrugs.

"You are scaring the shit out of me!" Seth says immediately. "One minute you're catatonic, you can't talk to anyone and then, you're okay for a while and then you're getting your ass kicked and laughing about it! Are you really losing your mind or can you tell me what the fuck is wrong with you?"

Ryan shakes his head. "I'm sorry, Seth, I'm really…I'm really out of it today."

"What happened with Luke?"

"I jumped him."

"No, you didn't. He had to say something, you wouldn't just attack him…" Seth starts.  
"How do you know? He really made me mad," Ryan replies.

"I don't believe you," Seth states. He doesn't recognize the look in Ryan's eyes. 

Ryan shrugs. 

"Ryan…please."

Something in Seth's voice strikes Ryan and his eyes flash with emotion, startling his friend. " I just snapped. I can't explain it. I had to hit him. I don't know what else to say."

"Okay. Let's go home," Seth says, taking Ryan by the arm and pulling him back down the path toward their house.

"Hey Seth! Ryan! Wait up!" 

They turn and are surprised to see Summer rushing up to them.

"Summer?" Seth asks.

She shoves Ryan. "I don't know what that was all about but Luke's pissed. He's going to be looking for you."

"Okay," Ryan shrugs.

Summer's face softens. "I'm sorry about your mother."

"Me, too."

"Marissa's worried about you and she can't leave Luke right now without getting in trouble. She sent me instead. Where you guys headed?" Summer asks.

"I'm taking Ryan home. He needs to get cleaned up so my parents don't find out he's fighting again," Seth answers.

"It might be a little late for that," Summer responds, nodding behind them. Ryan and Seth turn to find Sandy standing behind them. 

"Seth. Ryan. What happened to you?" Sandy asks, glancing at Ryan.

Ryan doesn't respond immediately. 

"Uh…" Seth starts.

"Before you think up a good lie, why don't you tell me the truth?"

"I got into it with Luke," Ryan says quietly.

"Who started it?" Sandy sighs.

Ryan raises his hand. 

"You guys should get home. Kirsten's waiting. With food. Take out, so you guys can eat it. Go on, now. We'll talk about the fight later." Sandy shakes his head. 

Seth and Ryan go home in silence. Ryan stops at the pool house first to get cleaned up. His face is starting to bruise and his abdomen is sore from the beating he took from Luke and his friend. 

"Ryan?" Kirsten startles him. He jumps but turns to face her while pulling on a fresh t-shirt. "Sandy told me you got into another fight," She says. "You okay?" She sets a tray of food on the table, concerned.

"Yeah. I'm sorry…my nerves are a little on edge and I let it get the best of me. I shouldn't have taken out my issues on Luke…"

"Ryan, whatever you're dealing with right now is more than you can handle…"

"I just need a little time to deal with it…" Ryan interrupts. "I need…I don't know what I need."

"You need to eat. And rest. You're making yourself sick…" Kirsten says.

"I need to ask you a favor, Mrs. Cohen," Ryan says, quietly.

"Ryan, what?" She asks, confused about the subject change.

"Trey's in jail. Mom's boyfriend, he died with her. I want to go get her stuff. I don't want strangers picking through her stuff…" He says. 

Kirsten is stricken. "Ryan, I don't think that's a good idea…you're already too upset…"

"I don't want anyone else to do it. It just wouldn't be right. I owe her that much…" Ryan whispers. His eyes are glazed.

Kirsten's worry grows. "Ryan, sit down…" She urges him to the couch. 

"I'm okay…" He says after a beat, glancing up with clearer eyes. 

"I'll have to talk to Sandy about it…" Kirsten says finally.

"It shouldn't take me too long, Mrs. Cohen, she doesn't have much stuff…"

"Ryan, this isn't your responsibility…"

"There's no one else, Mrs. Cohen." Ryan sighs. "Remember when I told you that I used to cook breakfast for my family? I did a lot of other things, too. I took care of things. I can file taxes. I can put in stitches. I can fix a car and scam free lunches for the whole family. I'm used to taking care of things for my family…"

"You don't have to do that anymore…" Kirsten starts.

"I know, because she's dead. I can't let you and Mr. Cohen do this for me. It's my past, I have to be the one that finishes this. It's just something I have to do…" Ryan replies, meeting her gaze evenly.

"I won't let you go alone…"

"You didn't know her. I can't let you go through her stuff." He shudders. "There's no telling what's in there…"

"At least let me drive you, Ryan. If you eat something, I'll drive you to her house and wait for you. I won't let you go alone," Kirsten decides. 

"Really?" Ryan asks, slightly surprised. 

"I'll go find your mother's address, Ryan and when I come back I expect this plate to be empty of food. Deal?"

He nods. He forces himself to eat, not letting himself think about the upcoming trip to his mother's. He hadn't thought about her things until Luke's fist started slamming into his gut. The pain from his beating had brought him back to reality. He has to snap out of his funk and move on with his life. Ryan can't dwell on his mother, she left him, she abandoned him, she gave up on him…

Ryan shakes the thoughts out of his head. He takes another bite of the sandwich. Finally, he manages to eat one. He starts on the second one, finishing half. He barely hears Kirsten enter because the nausea overtakes him and he rushes to the bathroom. Kirsten comes to the door and listens as he heaves. 

"Ryan?" She calls.

He opens the door, pale. "I'm sorry. I tried…I don't know what's wrong with me…I just can't eat…"

"It's okay…" She says, sympathetic.

"Are you still going to take me?"

"Sandy's going to kill me, but if it's what you think you need to do, I'm still willing to try…"

"I'll do whatever you want me to do after this is done…"

She embraces him, gently. They leave together to go to Dawn's last address. 

Kirsten parks outside and walks with him to the landlord's house to get the keys. Kirsten explains that they are there to get Dawn's personal belongings and the man unlocks the shabby house for them. He tells them that anything left in the house will be donated to goodwill and Ryan agrees with the man. 

"You sure you don't want me to come inside?" Kirsten asks as they stand outside the door.

"You can come in, Mrs. Cohen," Ryan sighs, walking into his mother's house. 

The house is dirty. There are empty liquor bottles, beer cans and food containers throughout the house. Kirsten sits down on the arm of the couch. Ryan starts in the kitchen, searching the drawers and stacking mail on the counter. Kirsten watches him as he sorts the mail, finally tossing it all into the trash. He continues straightening the house, bagging up the trash as he goes.

"I can at least help you clean, Ryan…" Kirsten offers.

"I can do it," Ryan answers. She waits quietly as he finishes the kitchen and starts on the living room. He pauses at an end table when he spots a shoebox lying underneath the table. He pulls it out and opens it. 

"What?" Kirsten asks, seeing his blank expression.

"You don't want to know," He mutters. He doesn't move. She goes to his side, putting a hand on his shoulder. He closes the box after she glimpses a syringe and several bags of powder. 

"Ryan…"

"It's okay. I just…I thought she was over this…I didn't know she was shooting up again…" He murmurs. He sighs and takes the box to the bathroom. Kirsten doesn't know what to do for Ryan as she hears him flushing the drugs. She goes to the bathroom door and watches him open the medicine cabinet and start dumping pills into the toilet. 

"I think this was a bad idea, Ryan…"

"It's okay, Mrs. Cohen…" Ryan replies. "I'll be done soon." He continues searching the bathroom until he is satisfied before returning to the living room. 

Kirsten is surprised when she realizes that Ryan doesn't find any pictures or keepsakes to save. She doesn't mention it but intends to mention it to Sandy later. 

In the bedroom, Ryan sorts through all the clothes, folding them and sorting them into piles. He finds a box in her closet. He opens it and finds several stacks of unmailed envelopes addressed to himself and Trey. He carries the box into the living room and sets it beside Kirsten. 

"Mrs. Cohen? Do you think you could sort these and get the ones out for Trey?"

"What about the ones for you?" She asks, quietly.

"I don't want them. You can open them if you want…see if you think I should read them. I don't care. I'm going to go finish up." Ryan leaves her with the box of letters. Kirsten pulls out all the ones addressed to Trey before pulling out one that is addressed to Ryan. She reads the first few lines before putting it back in the envelope.

Ryan doesn't let himself think about what he's doing. He finds a couple more boxes of drug paraphernalia and disposes of them. He's finished with the room when he finds a box under the bed containing all the pictures of himself and Trey when they were kids. He takes the box into the living room and puts it beside Kirsten. 

"That's it. That's all I can do," Ryan says, sitting down.

"What's in this box?" Kirsten asks.

"Pictures. I guess we can give them to Trey," Ryan shrugs. 

"You don't want any?"

"I want to forget about all of this. The drugs, the drinking, the beatings…I want it all to be over. And as soon as we leave, it will be," Ryan whispers.

"Do you mind if I go through these, Ryan? It's your childhood…" Kirsten says, stunned that he doesn't want any reminders.

"I didn't have a childhood, but you're welcome to go through them," Ryan replies. 

Kirsten embraces him and for the first time, he actually returns her hug. They take the two boxes and go to the car. 

Ryan is silent on the ride back to the Cohen's. Finally, Kirsten's worry causes her to speak. "Ryan. Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm better now. I had to do that." He is silent for a moment. "Seeing that house, her life without me…this isn't my fault. It's her fault. I did everything I could for her…She's the one that decided to move on without me. She went back to her life of drugs and drinking…and I should be glad she left me…" 

"Are you sure? I'm still worried about you…"

"I think I'm okay. Really. I wasn't okay…I haven't been okay since I found out, but I think I'm okay now," Ryan replies. 

Kirsten accepts the silence in the car. 

Ryan speaks quietly. "I didn't know she was using again. It took us so long to get her clean last time. I just can't believe…"

"Ryan, your mother…she had a lot of problems…"

"You have no idea. I wonder if having me around kept her off the junk…" Ryan mutters.

"Ryan, you can't shoulder the responsibility for your mother's mistakes. She was an adult," Kirsten says quietly.

"Thank you for taking me. I…Thanks," Ryan says, meeting her gaze. 

"You don't have to thank me, Ryan. I just wish there was more that we could do."

"Like what? Give me a place to stay? Feed me? Put me in school?" Ryan replies, seriously. He smiles as he catches Kirsten's glance.

"You know what I mean."

"I know. But believe me, you've done enough," He sighs as she pulls into the driveway.

"I want you to go get some rest," Kirsten says as he climbs out of the car.

"Okay. Tell Seth that I went to sleep, okay? I'll come up to the house and eat something when I get up…"

"I'll have Rosa make you something that will be easy on your stomach, okay?" Kirsten offers.

"Sure."

Ryan retreats to the pool house. 

Kirsten enters the house with the boxes, setting them on the counter. Sandy and Seth glance up in surprise.

"Where have you been?" Sandy asks.

"I took Ryan to his mother's house. He wanted to go through her things before the landlord turned everything over to goodwill…" Kirsten says. 

"Kirsten, the kid's grief-stricken already and you made him go to his dead mother's house to get her things?" Sandy asks, stunned.

"Ryan asked me if I would take him. I think…I think it was good for him…" Kirsten stammers.

"Is this Ryan?" Seth has started going through the box with the pictures in it. 

"I think these are pictures of him and Trey as kids," Kirsten says, taking a handful and starting to go through them. 

"This must be his dad. He looks just like him," Seth comments, holding up a photograph for his parents to examine. 

"He says he doesn't want any of them. He says Trey can have them. I asked him if he minded if I went through them and he said that it was fine," Kirsten says.

"Are these letters from his mother?" Sandy asks, looking in the other box.

"He doesn't want them either. I started reading one…and I don't think he ever needs to see them. He wants to make sure Trey gets the ones intended for him," Kirsten adds.

"I'm going to go check on him," Seth says, dropping a handful of photos back into the box. Sandy watches his son leave before picking up the picture he abandoned. 

"Kid really had a rough life, it looks like. He's beat up in most of these," Sandy comments.

"He found drugs there, it was like somebody punched him in the stomach, Sandy. After he was done, he genuinely seemed better. He said that seeing how she was living took away all his guilt. Seems she had beaten the drug problem in the past and he didn't know she was using again."

"Thank god," Sandy replies. "He would have felt even more guilty if he had known she was using drugs again…poor kid…"  
Seth quietly opens the door to the pool house. He doesn't see Ryan in bed but follows the sound of vomiting to the bathroom.

"You'd think I was bulimic or something," Ryan mutters, acknowledging Seth as he steps out.

"How you doing?"

"Better. I'm dead tired, though," Ryan replies, honest. 

"Really? You feel better?"

"I know this isn't my fault," Ryan says, walking past him and lying down on the bed. "That's better, right?"

"Yeah. So…you're okay," Seth states.

"I'm better. I'll need a couple of days before I'm okay."

"Well, I'm glad you're better. Ryan?" Seth calls, but Ryan is asleep.


End file.
